What happens when Covid derails your trip to Sweden? You decide to plan a last minute trip to Ecuador. Now, we are not the type of people that do things like this, we plan. Amy schedules in her poops for fucks sake. During a night of drinking at Stephanie's house and three hard seltzers in, we thought it was a good idea to book our trip to Ecuador. Now, we don't recommend booking flights while drinking, because to save a hundred bucks we ended up booking a budget airline. It had no Wifi, no power in the seats, a tray table the size of a peanut...and no complimentary peanuts, you have to pay for those peanuts. And with about twenty hours of layovers, that is what inspired us to write this blog. We won't name names, but you can probably guess which airline we took. No not Frontier...the other one. Good job, you were close though.
Now when you book your trip a week before you leave, it doesn't give you much time to learn Spanish...which we can promise you, is a must in this city. If you happen to be dating a Mexican, it does come in handy...but not everyone is not as lucky as Stephanie (Love you, babe). Shout out to Alfonso. Now, we told you that no one speaks English, but you may come across a unicorn and realize that after you've said a bunch of inappropriate shit in the back of an Uber, or waiting on line at the airport, someone definitely understood you.
Quick note....if one of you chooses to wear a rainbow pride shirt, and has a bad habit of inappropriately touching the other one in a country where most people can't verbally understand you....assumptions will be made. We won't tell you which one of us can't keep their hands to themselves. Not Amy, the other one.
If you didn't do the proper research and find yourselves in a situation like us where you couldn't fly to the Galapagos on the planned day because you didn't have a Covid test...don't worry, your flight change will only cost you $9.
In the Galapagos, get a hotel real close to water, in case you decide to go watch the sunrise, and someone needs to run back in the middle of it for an emergency poop. That's what copious amounts of cheese will do to a gal.
Getting car sick and sea sick are two glorious traits that we just so happen to share. However, we also share the immense hatred of too much walking/physical activity. The walk to the gorgeous Tortuga Bay in Galapagos is torturous, but if you wait around long enough when you get there (and about every 3 minutes say "where's the damn boat"), the damn boat will eventually arrive to ferry you back. You will almost throw up, or fear for your life, but at least you won't need to use your legs for a solid 20 minutes.
This won't apply to most people, because most people are normal, but if you are anything like Stephanie and Amy, you basically have the diet of a five year old. We are talking grilled cheese, french fries, cheese quesadillas...basically cheese and bread. You would think in a Latin American country, cheese and bread would be really easy to find but they are big on their meats. And as I mentioned before, not a lot of English in Ecuador. So our advice to you, find a restaurant with pictures. That is the only way that you are going to navigate through all of this. And make sure you learn the words for "french fries", which is "papa fritas", "cheese" is "queso", and "pizza" luckily is just "pizza". That will help immensely. It also helps to perfect the phrase "no habla Espanol", you'll use that one a lot. Do not trust google maps at all. If it says it's open now until 11pm, it probably hasn't been open in three months. If it says it is closed until Monday, it is open twenty four hours. If you are picky glutinous swines like us, then things will be difficult for you. If you prefer your meals in the alcoholic liquid form, you'll have no issues...
In September the weather is pretty awesome, but maybe don't go stroll the beautiful Malecon 2000 in short shorts...the cat calls are REAL. And if you are lucky enough you might get an uninvited "meow" in your ear as they pass you on the street. Amy will tell you that you can't touch the iguanas, but Stephanie can confirm that you can touch a tail and not die.
There are Ubers everywhere in Ecuador. It is dirt cheap to get around. We took a total of seventeen Ubers and it only cost us $65. Oh, and their currency is USD which is also really awesome. But anyway, if you get assigned a man named Oscar with a red car from Uber, do not get in that car. His driving will make you want to vomit all over his perfectly carpeted dashboard. The Ubers are reliable and safe...again just be weary of Osci boi. In the Galapagos Islands, they have white pick up trucks that serve as taxis. Everything in the Galapagos Islands are a bit pricy...just like good old Long Island.
La Penas is worth every stupid step....all 444 of them. Luckily, for oversized, out of shape swine like us, benches are provided throughout. And bonus, on the way to the top, there's an adorable bar with an awesome view where you can share a Pilsner (the beer that Ecuador is known for. Tasted like a Coors Light to us, but hey, we're uncultured). If you make it to the top, there's an adorable lighthouse and church, and the view is unreal.
If you manage to do everything you wanted to do, and find yourself with nothing left to do the last day, we highly recommend hanging in the room and ordering some wine (yes, Uber Eats delivers wine). This will also allow yourself to learn how to use a foreign washing machine and clean all your clothes before flying home. Who knew laundry on vacation could be so much fun! Then again, anything is fun while drinking. Pro tip...if the sliding glass door to the balcony is super clean and clear...make sure to leave it open while you are in and out hanging clothes to dry. There is a 9 in 10 chance you'll walk right into the door......twice.
Anyway, here is a video of some of the cool shit we did...Enjoy! If you are traveling to Ecuador, we'd love to chat. We can give you all the suggestions and details of the things we did on our trip.