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  • Writer's pictureStephanie Chandler

Cozumel & Tulum

Each one of our blogs tends to have a very clear message. Usually the message relates to alcohol, picky eating, etc. The theme of this blog is: you have to get yourself a Mexican boyfriend. Plain and simple. There are no if, ands, or butts. It's not optional, it's mandatory. It will make your trip infinitely better. So when Stephanie's boyfriend, Alfonso, wanted to celebrate his 34th birthday and so graciously invited his favorite third wheel along, we jumped on the opportunity.

Stephanie and Amy headed off to Mexico...again. This time with Cozumel and Tulum in their sights (last time it was all Playa Del Carmen). You know your trip is going to be good when it starts out like this: We are on the plane and the sweetest woman is sitting next to us. It is her first time flying. She is nervous as anything. You're in good hands though when you are sitting next to a yoga instructor where you can do breathing exercises during take off and landing. It really just set the whole tone of good vibes to see someone so grateful and appreciative of help on the plane. We got to see her get her first little passport stamp and cheered her on at Customs.

Customs was a breeze, no line. We got in a taxi and was at Alfono's apartment in record timing. We were just in time to get an earlier ferry to Cozumel which means an extra hour of drinking and stuffing our gullets. The ferry was smooth sailing and we did not forget our sea sick patches...thank god. Note: The guy trying to sell you cheaper ferry tickets for the faster ferry right outside of where you board, he is legit. But probably not legit if you don't speak Spanish. He is probably only legit if you have a Mexican with you.

First step, food shopping. Because what do we need? Alcohol! After our "food" shopping, we settled in at home, had ourselves some drinks, ordered ourselves some dinner, and enjoyed the cutest little airbnb. Side note, if you are taller than 5'8" Mexican beds might be too small.

We got up bright and early the next morning because it is Alfono's birthday! For today, we booked a boat tour! Sometimes fancy is not necessary. On TripAdvisor, Stephanie came across a four hour private boat tour for under $400 (which could accommodate up to 8 people, we don't even know 8 people). No one wants to share their day with strangers...well at least we don't. Private is the way to go. Even for just three people it was a small price to pay for unlimited beer, homemade guacamole made right there on the boat (which was actually delicious, even for someone that doesn't like guacamole). They even brought tequila on the boat (which was not listed on TripAdvisor). It was just us, a captain, and a guide. They took us on the other side of Cozumel to a little place called Passion Island. On the way, we saw a little ship wrecked boat, which was really cool. Passion Island was a little slice of fucking paradise. There was no one around. It looked like we were on a deserted island, clear water, no sargassum (we will go over that later), no waves, perfect temperature, soft sand, fucking perfect. We swam around a bunch. We spent about three hours just in the water, drinking, eating, and playing mermaids...because we are children...and like to play the ocean. After we were good and drunk and burnt (we will get to that later as well), we head back to the dock to go back to the airbnb to get some good old fashion pool time in.

Let's discuss sargassum. For some reason people in travel groups online, they insist on calling seaweed sargassum. It is dumb, don't do it. You sound like a pretentious boob when you say sargassum. It also sounds like a really dirty word. Because we are children, we enjoy that it sounds like a dirty word, we insisted to call it sargassum the entire time we were there. But don't be an idiot, just call it seaweed.

You shouldn't need to be told this, but apparently we did. Even though there are clouds, YOU STILL NEED TO PUT SUNBLOCK ON. You will be chillin in that water without a care in the world and realize when you get home, that you fucked up...HARD. After some coats of aloe, we got into the adorable little airbnb pool and continued drinking.

Because there was a boxing match that Alfonso wanted to watch, we took him to a very authentic Mexican restaurant called Hooters. Believe it or not, it was actually Alfonso and Amy's first time at a Hooters establishment. Fun fact they wear the same uniform in Mexico. Another fun fact, Mexicans don't understand what the word hooters means and it is super fun explaining to them what hooters are. We got ourselves some good old appies. They made Alfonso do a little birthday dance for a free shot which was super adorable. Stephanie and Amy were falling asleep at the table while Alfonso was watching the fight, he finally agreed to go back to the airbnb and watch it there. We can say that his birthday was a complete success. He was in heaven.

Day two of Cozumel, when you get along really well with the guide on your boat tour, he might offer his services to take you around the next day. It was a really unique way of seeing the island and to spend a little less money. They took us to a really cool beach club where we did some jet skiing. We got a really good price because Mexicans all know each other apparently and give each other deals. Not for us but for them, so again, get yourself a Mexican boyfriend.

We stopped off at the Bob Marley resturant for some drinks of course and then back to our airbnb. The sights along the way were really beautiful. It was really amazing to just drive along the outskirts of the island. When you have a pool in your airbnb, you use it and continue your game of mermaids. We decided to do some night swimming and for dinner had some chips and sour cream because they don't have the dip that Stephanie and Amy love in Mexico. Sour cream was a good subsitute. We also made some French fries like children. That was our dinner. We ate until we could barely move and then it was right to bed.

The next morning we got up early to head back to Amy's little Mexican apartment next to Alfonso's in Playa Del Carmen. We just hung out for the day. Had a nice chill day, nothing crazy, just sat in bed and drank. We got some street empanadas, which are a MUST. You have to try the street empanadas even if it is just cheese.

Our last full day, we went to Tulum. Again, another perk of having a Mexican boyfriend is that he has a Mexican friend that can lend you car for the day which will help you save for the cost of renting a car or taking taxis. We took our own little tour of Tulum. We saw the ruins, we drove up and down hotel zone which was Amy's wet dream. If you are into yoga or anything ecological it is an absolute must. We saw the Tulum Jungle Gym which is a really cool gym where everything is made of wood, no metal. But the sargassum is unreal in Tulum. So during sargassum season, go to Cozumel. But that was fine because we had already gotten in enough beach time.

On the way back from Tulum we went to a Cenote that Stephanie and Amy were thrilled to do. Alfonso couldn't stop thinking about how all that water just sits there and doesn't clean itself like an ocean does, whatever the fuck that means. Playing mermaids in Cenote is extra fun. If you like to play mermaids, a Cenote is where it is at.

After that, we headed back to the apartment, got changed and had a nice Italian dinner in Mexico with some wine to end the most perfect little trip there ever was. We laughed, we cried, we fought, we really, we just had a ton of fun. We can not stress enough, get yourself a Mexican boyfriend. But do everything we told you to do, don't listen to him.

Enjoy this little video of all Amy's third wheeling selfies:

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